Two Little Lines

I am finally sitting down with a fresh cup of tea & a notebook. Noah made us drive straight to Barnes & Noble after church today. He purchased a big book (with lots of pictures) entitled “How To Dad” & I walked out with this new notebook. I’m hoping to be able to get all of this out on paper, to remember all of the beautiful (& hard) & life changing things that will happen over the next nine months.

Yesterday, I woke up at 6AM & stared at the ceiling for 20 minutes. You see, I had been having the strangest things happening all week long. I was exhausted + emotional, and most noticeable of all, I was having strong food aversions which I had never felt before. Today was the day I told myself if I was still feeling this way, I would go pee on the stick. So here we were. Me staring at the ceiling, Noah asleep next to me, & God. After spending some minutes conversing with God about all of the things that could happen after I pee on the stick, I stood up, scared, & went to take the tests. I took one digital & one with the lines. I rushed to cover the digital one about two minutes in, afraid it would pop up and surprise me. When I went to go cover it, I could already see a 2nd line popping up on the other test. I backed away from the tests, not taking that one too seriously. Then the digital popped up, very clearly “YES+”. I thought I might feel shocked or surprised, but I just felt calm.

But now… I did NOT know what to do from here. Do I wake Noah up? Do I still go for my walk? Do I go lay back down? Before I could make a rational decision, I was sitting on the edge of the bed next to Noah, lovingly trying to get him to wake up. That was not working so well, so after a while I ran back into the bathroom, grabbed the test, and went back to Noah.

“I just did this.” I said as I held the test up to his face – He said “what is that?” I said “Looks like I’m pregnant.” He woke up FAST.

We said a lot over the next hour, but one of the first things I remember him saying to me was “I’m so excited” which made me feel all warm. Me too.

We prayed together, took some deep breaths, hugged. Noah immediately fixated on the furniture in our house that has too sharp of edges, how many houses he could possibly sell in 9 months, and all the other things that made me laugh. He kept saying he doesn’t know anything about babies & kept reminding him: I chose you for this :)

Maybe I kept saying it because those are the words most satisfying to my soul these days. The whisper my spirit needs, the assurance my humanity depends on. I had always dreamed of being a mother and yet, when those two lines were staring back at me, I immediately thought “Can I really do this?”. And then the whisper- that I was made for this, that whether I thought so or not, whether I felt ready or not, those two little lines staring back at me meant someone chose me for this too. The fear, replaced with an overwhelming peace.

What a privilege to do the thing God has entrusted me to do.

So now, overwhelmed with hope, I sit here sipping my tea, crying for the 7th time today, basking in the beauty and the wonder of Unconditional Love, participating with grace-bringing new life into the darkness. Surely, this is the purpose for which I have longed. Surely, You will do exceedingly & abundantly more than I could ever hope or dream of from this little couch.

This I’d bank my life on,

The little miracle inside of me, is just the beginning.