Piece of Heaven

It’s 4:32 p.m. The room is dim and still—just me, God, and my Dede. Dede is breathing only about 4-5 breaths with each passing minute now & I’m sitting in the chair next to her, holding my breath between each one. 

I must practice even here-not being God, trusting, knowing, remembering. 

I think for a moment, I might draft in on the moment heaven touches earth. That Dede finally gets real relief. That God comes to get her.

Our great rescuer. Always on time, never late. Even if late feels like the right word on days like today. Mostly all I can think of to say to God now, after days of seeing her struggle, is “come quick”. 

There is so much about my Dede that I loved. But I think mostly what I was loving was You. I loved & adored all of the parts of You she let us all see. I loved the way you used her-to let us see and feel and touch and hear and know You. The love that wells up in me for her feels so big that it might swallow me- I think it’s because it’s also my love for You. 

& maybe that was it all along. The most beautiful and captivating thing about her- You. 

So now here I am. Left with what feels like will be a big, dark, empty hole in my world. It feels like when I miss her- I’ll miss you too. 

I think that might be what we all really want. Just to be close to the people that make us feel closer to home- to heaven.

Instead of with the hole, I want to leave this room grateful. Grateful to have been able to witness and see and touch and feel You in her. A beautiful piece of this great big puzzle of who You are that we got to love & be loved by. 

May I go from here. And make it my mission. To be the piece of heaven someone else gets to draft in on. That what they might love most about me would be You. 

Teach me, Lord.

to love You as she did.

to hold tight to You like she did.

to talk with You like she did. 

With great hope that when I’m gone, what they miss most about me too, is You.